Monday, November 23, 2009

The stuff is guaranteed for life...

I don't quite buy into a certain popular book's hyperbole that men and women are from completely different planets, but I do believe God did a little tweaking when He yanked that rib out of Adam to create Eve. Now before you ladies roll your eyes and sigh, Here we go again...please stay with me. (There's a baseball story later for you male readers...that should keep you reading).

I consider myself fairly in-tune with my lovely, adorable wife....ahem...maybe a delusion on my part. True...we have very distinct differences, but I chalk most of them up to the fact we are different species...I mean genders. There is, however, a concerted effort on my part to overcome the obvious disabling condition of having a Y chromosome. In my younger days while living in the chase, Cosmopolitan magazine was a favored research tool to try to gain some insight into the female psyche...and well gain an advantage over my fellow Y chromosomes.

Now in my settled years, I have traded the racier publication for a few dainty, estrogen-oriented blogs like Lulaville and Blah, Blah Blog. The educational effort on my part is still there...just refocused and refined... to better suit my environment. Sure I miss browsing articles like 32 Best Sex Tips You Wish He Knew or 27 Ways to Make Him Scream, but getting busted by Mrs. Tony C reading something like that today would bring on a whole new set of questions/problems I'd just rather avoid.

Here's a recent example to help illustrate my point and contention of perplexity. While sitting with my love watching television one evening, the toddler was climbing on and off just about everything vertical in the living room. After repeating you're going to fall and get hurt for what seemed like a hundred times, it happened. She tumbled off the ottoman right at my feet. I didn't budge and played witness to the whole scene. Mrs. Tony C frantically, instinctively leaped from her spot just a few feet away in a vain effort to somehow prevent the fall. There was a brief pause... then came the crying.

Mrs. Tony C: You didn't even try to stop her from falling!

Tony C: She's fine. It was only a foot or so. She needs to learn how to fall.

Mrs. Tony C: But you didn't even try to stop her!

Tony C: Sure I did. I warned her she was going to fall and get hurt.

Mrs. Tony C: (silent rage and nurturing simultaneously)

So obviously I don't get it. No, I didn't want my youngest to actually get hurt...I just wanted her to learn.

Let me move to another obvious point of disparity. Women gather for the oddest reasons. Now maybe it's only for a reason to get together and live it to speak...but I don't get it. Mrs. Tony C hosted a Tupperware party just last week. Tupperware. You show me a group of guys willing to get together to see the latest in plastic containment, and I'll guarantee you there's female nudity involved in some shape, form or fashion.

Yet somehow, for over 2 hours, a group of mostly unrelated women sat attentively in my kitchen and swooned over premolded, sealable plastic. Tupperware, Thirty-One, jewelry or fake designer purses...I just don't get it!

I do recall the first Tupperware party hosted in my house though. The year was 1988, and I lived in Hawaii in officer's housing at Kaneohe Marine Corps Air Station. The party happened to coincide with Game 1 of the World Series featuring my beloved Dodgers, who were heavy underdogs against the Oakland A's. I was perfectly content to retire to the bedroom for Game 1 while the festivities consumed most of the rest of the house.

That's right... Game 1...1988. Dodgers vs A's. The guys in blue are down 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th. David Eckersley, Oakland's superhuman closer, was in to seal the deal. Mike Davis walked in his at bats putting the tying run on base. Somewhere from the shadows of the dugout, a hobbled Kirk Gibson is announced to bat. Gibson had not one, but two bad wheels and wasn't expected to play in the series. After struggling at the plate and fouling off several Eckersley pitches, Gibson faced a 3-2 count with 2 outs. As the backdoor slider crossed the plate, Gibson made solid contact and sent the pitch into the right field bleachers...Dodgers win Game 1! Dodgers win Game 1! As Gibson limped around the bases and gave his now-famous arm pump as he rounded first base...I literally burst into tears of joy and was overcome with a need to share this most glorious turn of events.

I charged into the living room to share the amazing, epic story...

Tony C: Kirk Gibson just blasted a 2-run homer, and the Dodgers won Game 1!

Tupperware Lady (obviously miffed at the interruption): That's great. Who's playing? Baseball?

Party Attendee: Is he crying?

Former Spouse (obviously embarrassed): He's a huge Dodger fan. Are you okay?

Tony C (babbling idiot): Gibson could hardly walk to the plate! He had a full count...Davis was on base...Lasorda's a genius...home run!! Dodgers win!

Another Party Attendee: That's so sweet he's crying about his baseball team. Men shouldn't be afraid to show emotions, but you know the big, bad Marines have to be so tough all the time.

Party Attendee: I know it. So stupid. A few tears doesn't make you less a man...

Sigh...I just turned around and retreated to the bedroom to the sound of group murmurings...knowing for sure when word of this got back to every one's husbands, I would take the riding of a lifetime. Stupid Tupperware parties.

As I predicted, I received a number of mocking tissue boxes and sniffing comments. I will say, however, the ladies who witnessed the whole spectacle started treating me different...they talked to me different, related to me in a different way...I still can't quite put my finger on it...but somehow different.

Here we are almost 25 years later, and I'm still apparently in the dark about a lot of things when it comes to women...


Michael Levitt said...

I got emotional when Gibby hit that home run as well. However, there was no tupperware to be found, other than what my parents had in their cabinets.


David said...

I love this stuff! Thanks for the honesty and the chuckle.

It's an amazing man that can understand the allure of Tupperware. But a guy like you who lives with only woman - you better come up to speed fast!

Me, I've been doing it so long, my wife watched the Pats win their third Super Bowl and I looked for low carb recipes on the Internet.

I think I will post my favorite Mars vs Venus vignette, which; I found somewhere on the Internet.


Ever wondered why the world has agony aunts and not uncles? No? Well, because this is what would happen if men decided to pen down advice on relationships, dating and other assorted troubles...

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.

My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husbands help. When I got home, I couldnt believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He wont go to counselling and Im afraid I am a wreck
and need advice urgently. Can you please help?



Dear Sandra,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Tracy said...

Tony AND David -Thanks for the laugh! Your tears and your wife's friends' reactions are a classic Tony, and I adored the male advice on the really important issue.

photogr said...


Funny but you are not alone. I think every man has issues with figuring out the ladies mental make up.

Lula! said... called me "dainty." BEST EVER!

But I'm not lightweight when it comes to the toddler falling scenario. I'm the mean mother standing on the sidelines, murmuring, "Let her run into the road and get nicked by an 18-wheeler...she won't dart into traffic after that!"


OK, maybe not so seriously. But in milder situations (i.e. ME: "Leave the cat alone or he'll scratch you!" Unidentified child: "MOMMY! Lewis scratched me!" Me, smugly: "And rightly so!")

I'm so hardcore.

And this post was hilarious.
p.s. What did you think of New Moon? My husband actually liked it. Said, "It's way better than the first one," which I've appropriately renamed "Sucklight."