Thursday, April 9, 2009

The one with the cute little umbrella straw please...


I'm not a coffee drinker...

Wait, let me start by saying that I've laid off political and religious subjects this week in respect to Easter. It seemed like the WWJD thing to do. So...

I'm not a coffee drinker. Never have been. But, I live with two females that love the stuff. We could debate if a 13 (soon to be 14) year old should be drinking coffee...but I won't go there. I accept the argument that a cup of coffee can't be any worse than a bottle of soda. Moving on...

So from time to time, I find myself at the local Starbucks, which might as well be eastern Slovenia for me. It's like a completely different world...a make-believe world where people speak a pseudo-foreign language and pretend to be high society...or hip...or something I'm apparently not. Now, I understand the Italian connection with the origin of many coffee drinks coming from Italy, and the implied chicness of the whole fiasco called Starbucks, but what I don't get is the absolutely ridiculous sounding process for ordering.

I'm not Italian illiterate either. Aside for the Learn A Language While You Drive cassette series I played for months before an Italy trip that fell apart the day prior to departure, the Sopranos were a weekly ritual at my house. I know Italian...well...some Italian. I know latte is Italian for milk, I know grande means large. What I don't understand is why a grande iced vanilla latte at Starbucks isn't a large cup of milk with vanilla flavor. What gives?

So, this morning I find myself alone in the drive-thru at Starbucks filled with anxiety. Since I love my wife more than any earthly thing, I'm doing this for her. For me... it's virgin territory. I refuse to order when we all go together, making my wife or the teenager do the honors...and..always making fun of the process. I want a frappa mocha latte venti or some other ridiculously sounding fictional concoction. But here I am...ready to order.

Speaker: Welcome to Starbucks. Would you like to try one of our fancy smancy new sandwiches?

I'm frozen. What did she say she wanted?

Just a minute please.

Speaker: Take your time and order when you're ready.

I'm sure the seven hundred and twenty cars behind me want just that...me to take my time. I glance over the menu board looking for some type of trigger word...but it's all so...foreign.

Uh, uh mocha, latte, venti, frappachino, cappachino...before I even realized, I say...out loud...

Frappa mocha latte...uh

Speaker: Excuse me sir?

Nothing would do my heart more good than to break into a speaker rant over why Starbucks had to stop selling the black and white cookie...it's all I ever liked there! But I have loved ones waiting in the balance on me performing this simple task.

Text message! Thank you Jesus! She sent what she wanted in a text message! A few quick clicks...

I'll take a iced vanilla latte venti please.
Not a perfect delivery...wrong indefinite article grammatically...but hey...I'm a rookie.

Speaker: That will be $4.33. Thank you pull forward.

$4.33! For a cup of coffee! I'm I picking this up IN Italy? That's an entire #1 Value Breakfast Meal WITH a large iced tea at Mickie D's.

As I'm pulling forward, I notice the 'Coexist' bumper sticker on the BMW in front of me...nice...this is now the company I keep...very nice.

13 comments:

David said...

Yes, let's coexist. But can't they drink Newman's Own?

Well, church and Starbucks go together in some places. :o}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7_dZTrjw9I

Thanks for the laugh.

myundiary@gmail.com said...

We should definitely coexist. You are not alone. That's why I stick with good old McDonalds coffee. :)

Laretha said...

This post made me laugh out loud!

I love coffee SO much! Husband hates it.

So sweet of you to go for your wife - husband has surprised me with Starbucks and there really isn't much sweeter than that!

While you're there would you get me a Venti non-fat carmel in and out extra on top carmel macchiotto please?

:-)

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

My wife loves Starbucks. I could go without it, even though I like coffee. But you already know how I feel about those 'Coexist' bumper stickers. 'Maybe your face would like to coexist with my fist!...' is...what...THEY are probably saying about me. Yeah, that's it.

Z said...

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, Tony! Thanks...I laughed all the way through it!!
come visit on Easter....xxx

this was SUPER!

Anonymous said...

Is it also WWJD to make fun of people who are different from you? I think you might want to rethink your "religiousness".

Tony C said...

Anonymous, I'm not quite sure I understand what you're saying. I don't think Jesus ever made fun of anyone...period, but I was making fun of myself. Also, I've never had "religiousness" because I'm not quite sure I know what that is.

I welcome your comments, but it helps if you have a coherent point and you're willing to put your name to it.

katdish said...

I refuse to buy Starbucks coffee because it's too expensive. It's one of my few standards...

I'll buy coffee from a mom and pop place.

"I never answer anonymous letters."

- Yogi Berra

Lula! said...

You and your "religiousness" should never brave Starbucks again. 'Cause you know the person in the Hybrid behind you totally had an ichtus on its bumper...an icthus with feet on it, and "Darwin" written on its body.

Or it could have been me and my "religiousness," which includes sighing heavily, glaring, tapping my fingers in time to whatever Muse song I happen to be blaring from the Pod, and coming thisclose to yelling out the window, "Dude--take all day, why don't ya?" And when it's my turn to order, I'll get a salted caramel hot chocolate...and pay $4 for it.

I'm so religious.

Anonymous said...

That's the way I feel when I pull up to a Taco Bell and I even took several classes in Spanish and French in college. Who would figure that a menu in America would be so complicated. Keep it in English for me please!!! Your sis, Sheila

BeckeyZ said...

I don't do Starbucks anymore...I got one of those fancy schmancy Keurig single cup brewers for Christmas and now I brew my own flavorful coffee one k-cup at a time. Cost-wise, it boils down to a little under $1 a cup. It also makes tea and hot chocolate - I love my new appliance (probably a little too much, as far as appliance love goes).

Budster said...

I would like to be in Starbucks and hear you say, "The one with the cute umbrella straw please."

Then I would write a story about this guy at Starbucks I heard order "The one with the cute umbrella straw please."

Funny, loved it!

Bridget Chumbley said...

That was you holding up the line? Sheesh! Great post, Tony. It shows the love and devotion you have for your wife... my hubby is not a fan either. Thanks for posting at the carnival!