Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Okay, women are from Venus...and men are from Ork.

My friend David Johndrow is broken...

Oh it's not a permanent problem, and he's on the mend (but please still lift him in your prayers). A lot of you know David from his own blog over at Fire and Grace, his Monday post on Kingdom Bloggers and/or his comments left on my blog. Love the guy! We chat fairly often on the phone across the Mason/Dixon line (that's allowed now), and I honestly consider David a true friend (as defined in Monday's post). Since he was in the midst of  possible cardiac arrest, I forgive him for not throwing a little love my way on Monday's controversial post that provoked unkind words by some.

But let's not revisit that fiasco. Hey people...I was just kidding...sorta...

But I digress... so in honor of my vascularly clean brother of the catheterized order, my post today will be in the Johndrow style of 5 and 1/2 points. I enjoyed his series in this style, and as they say, imitation is the ultimate form of flattery.

Since I ever so slightly poked fun of the fairer sex earlier this week (ahem), I find it only just to reflect inward at the simple, neanderthal-like thought process of my own sex...and in I feel pretty confident I reasonably represent the common interest and thought process of all Y chromosome humans, but then again, making such often incorrect assumptions is a standing pattern for most males too.

In the spirit of either gender equality or continuing proof men are complete and hopeless idiots, I give you the Johndrow-style list of the 5 and 1/2 material things that do or would make my life much more livable...or at least enjoyable:

-1 A big cereal bowl. Both adjectives must apply in this case, or this is just dumb. I'll admit in my younger, less sophisticated days I've whipped out a clear Pyrex  2 1/2 quart-er and commenced to chowing down on some 'Charms, but I don't think it's asking too much for a man to dignify his cereal consumption with a bowl that's large enough and specific to the task at hand by being appropriately labeled with his name or the generic example in the picture. How big you ask? The bowl should be large enough to contain an entire 24 ounce box of Post Grape-Nuts and an adequate amount of milk.

Not that there's any danger of that healthy crap ever actually being in the bowl...just the gold standard for cereal measurement.

-2 One brand name power tool that cost over $500. Yes, we're

stepping this list up a bit, and yes I know my example picture is well above $500...but a man can have a dream can't he?! Nothing is more emasculating than to be talking with you buds about fixing up the 'cave' and accidentally reveal your tool/war chest is comprised mostly of Wal-Mart brand tools.  I pray you never experience the complete and utter humiliation of a friend stopping by to do a quick adjustment on his wheels, and you have to offer up use of the Dollar General tool box and tool set you received for Christmas in 1994. I'm stopping here now...I find myself getting really upset.

-3 A flagpole in the front yard for flying the American flag. Can that really be asking too much? I'm a veteran and proud American and want all my neighbors to know just that by proudly displaying our country's standard on an aluminum, single-stationary, concrete set, 20-foot flagpole with 24-hour illumination as required by proper flag displaying etiquette. It sends a clear, unmistakable message to would be socialist revolutionaries...not on my watch. not in my neighborhood!  I could also take advantage of the educational opportunity and teach my kids the meaning and significance behind the designs of the flag and the importance Old Glory symbolizes for our country.

I'd better do it because apparently the public school system stopped teaching that stuff years ago...

-4  A completely juvenile toy for my personal amusement. Are you really surprised? Guys have long been noted for their toy fetishes. Hey, we actually coined the phrase he who dies with the most toys wins... how much more preposterous can you be than that? I'm not looking for my own personal playroom filled with G.I. Joes and Hot Wheels from days gone by here. I'm convinced one of the reasons God gave me three daughters is He knows I'm prone to covetousness behavior while roaming around in Toys-R-Us. There would never be an enough if my focus was in the Star Wars action figures aisle instead of the My Little Pony section.

I did say one of the reasons for those of you shaking your heads...

I just want a toy that, although made for kids 12 and older, doesn't come across too childish and elementary but is still really cool and fun. Alas, my search may be over with the Air Hog, a state-of-the-art flying instrument of entertainment with an aerial surveillance device. Pinch me please... 

-5 My own personal bathroom. Yes...I went there. Maybe I got greedy and gluttonous with this pick, but by golly I'm at least being honest! I live in a house with four females and three bathrooms...and Give a Brother a Break Day is not to be found on any of my calendars. Granted, one of the four ladies is still making poo in disposable underwear, but the day is coming...the day is surely coming. It never fails in that treasured moment of isolation while catching up on back-post of Fire and Grace (dude must post every six hours) or the latest The Economist issue, the Crazy Tomato feels the urge to bang on the door repeatedly and demand entrance into my temporary respite. There's another bathroom less than 20 feet away! As if cutting my time short isn't enough harassment, she has to go into the whole production of pointing out the malodorous environment left behind loud enough for anyone and everyone to hear that often includes a running announcement through the entire house even with visitors present. Trust me...there's a golden statue in the kid's future.

Let's not forget about the chemistry experiment of necessary beauty products littering the space. I live in

constant fear of the day I mistake my bottle of Suave 7 in 1 for Men (shampoo/conditioner/shaving lotion/after shave/body wash/moistuizer/toothpaste)for one of the other 17 bottles in the shower and end up blond...or worse...bald! There's stuff in there for that! Where I shower! I don't need a lot of space, just my own space. The bathroom in this picture would be plenty...add a magazine rack and flat screen.

I'm just saying. I already have wi-fi in the house. 

-5 1/2  iPad 2. For work of course...

1 comment:

David said...

I think I just received a healing!

Air Hogs and bathrooms without girly stuff is like heaven!

Love ya bro!